Classic Post: Hurricane Naming
Originally Posted August ‘07
You know what’s annoyed me for as long as I can remember? How these media assholes always refer to hurricanes by their nickname alone.
I understand the National Weather Service’s naming system, and I understand it’s purpose. In case you don’t know, the NWS assigns a name to every tropical storm they identify. Each storm in succession is given a name beginning with the letter that follows the first letter in the name of the preceeding storm, alternating back and forth between male and female names. So Hurricane Andrew would be followed by Hurricane Bethany, etc.
I just read a headline on Yahoo’s front page that read: “Dean Slams into Mexico”.
Dean? Who the fuck is Dean? It’s ‘Hurricane Dean’ you fucking dimwits. I don’t know anyone named Dean.
A few years ago it was Katrina. Katrina? Katrina is the fat black woman who serves you your pancakes at IHOP. Although she might theoretically have the power to break the levees in New Orleans with her gigantic thunder-thighs, I doubt she has the time or the motivation to do so.
The biggest problem I have with this is the fact that the media is trying to impart some sort of human element onto the storm, as if the Hurricane actually chose to directly impact a port city of over a million people. Because, in this society we always need to have someone to blame for our misfortunes. So, why not blame the storm?
With this in mind, I actually sort of agree with the logic. But the naming system is still way messed up. Therefore, with this irrational paradigm in mind, let’s change the naming system to reflect a more accurate portrayal of human emotions. While we’re fixing this, lets for the most part also eliminate the female naming aspect of this, because lets face it, men get blamed for everything anyhow.
A) Allah
B) Beelzebub
C) Cain (Hurricane Cain has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?)
D) David Hasselhoff
E) Ezekiel (When in doubt, use a Biblical name)
G) Gomorrah (Hurricane Gomorrah – Ooh that’s catchy)
H) Habib (When in doubt, use an Arab name)
I) Israel (Isaiah was a close second)
J) Jesus (and I mean ‘Jee-zis’, not ‘Hey-zeus’) (Hurricane Jesus – That’d ruffle some feathers wouldn’t it)
K) Keith Urban (When in doubt, use a celebrity in rehab)
L) Lucifer
M) Mohammed
N) Noah (Hey he built that arc for a reason right?)
O) Omar (When in doubt, use an Arab name)
P) Paris Hilton
Q) Quentin Tarantino
R) Rufus (The 13th Apostle)
S) Satan (Hurricane Satan – that sounds fantastic)
T) Thomas the Friendly Train
U) Urkel
V) Vladamir Putin
W) Walter Cronkite
X) I think they just skip ‘X’ don’t they?
Y) Yolanda (When in doubt, use a fat black woman’s name)
Z) Zebadiah
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