A Reflection on Failure
“A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers.” –Mickey Knox, Natural Born Killers
I’ll preface this piece by disclosing that there’s not a whole hell of a lot of entertainment value to be found here – which I know is unusual and not really conforming to the typical nature of my work. In any event, I promise that future posts will resume their regularly scheduled buffoonery.
About 18 months ago on the old site I posted this:
I’ve always wondered about people who claim to have a “Dream Job”. What I mean by that is that I’ve always been of the mindset that the best job in the world would be no job at all. What could be better than NOT being obligated to go to a place and perform difficult and unpleasant tasks for most of the day, for most of the week?
I think I may have figured out what people mean by the phrase Dream Job. I am sure most people with a dream job would rather not work given the choice, but the job they’ve landed gives them some sort of fulfillment that makes them happy to the point that they don’t mind the obligation.
I started a new job last Monday. Right away I knew there was something different about the situation, but this week I had a startling feeling about my latest stop in what has seemed to be a never-ending string of bad employment gigs.
My new boss legitimately appreciates what I can do for his business. He has basically given me the green light to mold the job into whatever I think it should be. I have the latitude and control to do my job to the best of my ability with no interference. This is a complete 180 from any other job I’ve ever held. The hours are great as far as hours go. And, along with all of this, I will in all likelyhood make much more money than I have ever made at a job before.
To top it all off, my boss paid me early this week, and overpaid me $65, intentionally ignoring his accountant’s error.
I was driving home from work Monday night reflecting on the past week and everything that had transpired. The feeling I had is something I’ve never felt in all of my adult life as far as employment is concerned.
I felt grateful.
Grateful. Not just content, or satisfied, or pacified. And I don’t mean grateful to have a job. I’ve gotten job offers from the past four or five interviews I’ve given. I get opportunities to interview for a new job via my online resume on a fairly regular basis (which is how I was recruited for this job). The only real obstacle in my recent employment failures has been myself.
Is this what job satisfaction is like? There is something unnervingly surreal about the prospect of actually liking my job and not retaining a deep-seeded animosity toward my employer. I’ve been in the same line of work for about eight years, and most of the time the only reason I keep taking these types of jobs is that I am not really qualified to do anything else, and it comes fairly naturally to me.
I actually find myself wanting to prove myself every day. Every day I try to do my best instead of simply getting through the day. Would I have liked my prior jobs more had I tried harder? Maybe, but probably not. I think the job I have found is one in a million, and I find myself working hard in order to keep it.
Although I know it may not last forever, I am going to do whatever I can to make sure that it does, because this is probably about as good as it is going to get for me.
There isn’t much more to say right now, hopefully things will continue to develop in a positive way. More to come as it develops.
Three days ago, I was dismissed from my place of employment. In short, the reason is the fact that the job now requires a much more technical skillset than what I possess. This was not the case when I took the job; my former employer knew my strengths and capabilities at the time I was hired. However, in the past nine months the position has evolved to include responsibilities in areas where I have basically no experience, and as a result, the overall performance of the shop deteriorated to nearly a red bottom line. This was not entirely my fault, or due to a lack of effort on my part. There are a number of uncontrollable economic elements that have had negative effects on the outcome of almost every business. But, it seems that my lack of ability to successfully perform the extra duties had made me somewhat of a liability.
There’s more to it than that, but that’s the basic premise that led to my dismissal. The point of writing about it isn’t to bitch. I harbor no resentment toward my former employer or the business decision he felt he had to make. It’s common advice from business professionals that in a down economy, there are often a lot of talented individuals that are out of work who are available for far less compensation than they’d normally cost. When things are tight, it’s important to have the most qualified staffing possible.
There are two things that really suck about this. One, I actually liked this job and it’s unlikely that there are very many out there like it, especially in this economy. The other thing that is really disappointing is the fact that I didn’t do anything to fuck this up. I actually put more of myself physically and mentally into this than I have ever dedicated to a job in my life.
Which leads me to what I’ve learned through reflecting on all of this: The only thing that matters is the end result. Fuck your efforts. Fuck your intentions. Fuck your dedication and fuck your willingness to go the extra mile. Fuck your good attitude. Fuck your punctuality. Fuck your attention to detail and fuck your smile. If you don’t produce, you’re out.
What I’ve come to realize is that we’re instilled a belief from a very young age that if you do your best, that will be good enough and people will accept you as such. Through sports, through academics, this is what’s been drilled into our heads through childhood and adolescence; an A for effort. This leads to a sense of entitlement that all we have to do is try hard and work to the best of our individual ability. A belief that end results don’t matter. That it’s OK to lose.
The real world does not work this way. This really is nothing I didn’t already know, but it doesn’t make it suck any less, either. The thing is, I’ve been fired from jobs before. Almost everyone has. And through all of the circumstances by which my employment was terminated in the past, I’ve accepted a degree of responsibility for the result. But not here. This is the one time in my professional life that I’ve committed my efforts to a goal and an entity bigger than myself, and had results that were completely devoid of redemption or perseverance.
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