Craigslist ads
Just for shits and giggles, every
now and again I post ridiculous things on CL just for the purpose
of getting a rise
out
of people. I'll post them here and
any responses that I receive that are worth reiterating. If I get any
more responses as a result of posting them here, I may also post
them on this site.
7-30-08 Posted in Pets
Free to a good home: Midget.
As much as it pains me to part ways with him, I am
unfortunately faced with the saddening task of parting ways with
my sausage-fingered, buggy-eyed,
cantaloupe headed little mongoloid. He has been a good midget, but
he’s starting to get up there in years and, well quite frankly
covering his naked little midget body with maple syrup and forcing
him to play Thunderdome with the local raccoon population just doesn’t
have the luster that it once did. For these reason, I’ve decided
to re-home him as long as the recipients are kind and caring to the
midget.
About the Midget:
His name is Theodore. Kinda like the one on Alvin
and the Chipmunks but he’s much less of a fag. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t
pawn off a gay midget on you. That would be immoral.
He is 3’11”, 64 lbs. I’ve been told by some of my
midget ranching colleagues in Alabama and Detroit that he is perfect
for midget bowling. I wouldn’t know anything about that.
Of his height, about 80% of it is pure forehead. He’s
the breed of midget where his eyes, nose, and mouth only occupy the
bottom section
of his face. His eyes are really far apart and they straddle his nose.
Sometimes if you smack him just right his eyes will roll around in
different directions like a hammerhead shark. He loves that!!!
He is 31 years old I guess. Still plenty of life left in him since
midgets usually last past 40 years. I am not sure when this one will
expire but he is pretty resilient.
He likes to be chased and shot at with tennis-ball guns like the ones
you see on American Gladiators. He also likes marshmallows for some
reason. It might be a midget thing. I am not sure about this.
He is quite talented and fun to play dress-up with!!! His favorite
is when I make him wear a Viking helmet and a Speedo and have him chase
cars in the ghetto. I think he is attracted to the shiny bling-bling
of the wheels. I always pretend like I am going to leave him but I
just drive like a mile away and let him find me. He is always so relieved
to see me!! I am a responsible midget owner and you should be too if
you want to take my midget.
He will save you money!!! Having a midget around will allow you to
replace certain household items, like your bidet for example. Instead
of a bidet, you just give your midget a super-soaker squirt gun and
have him hose you down after a good dump. My midget is the perfect
size for this task and his aim is precision-like!!!
If you think you are qualified to provide a good loving,
caring home for my midget, send me an email detailing why you feel
as though you’d
make a midget owner and I might consider letting you meet him.
Thank you for taking the time to read my ad.
Regards
Responses to come...
1-21-08 Posted in Men Seeking Women:
Hi. I am a guy in my 20’s looking for a girl who is certifiably
bat-shit crazy. I know you’re out there!!!
I am just sick and tired of meeting all of these normal, regular girls
with their own jobs and places to live and their own money and their
own cars. There are just simply way too many levelheaded, smart, articulate
women out there today and I am bored with their stability. I want a
stalker dammit!!!
If any or all of the following describes yourself, you may just be
the one for me:
Do you like to color your hair in at least three different shades
of lavender at all times and subsequently change your lengths and colors
randomly on at least a bi-weekly basis?
Do you own at least three cats and have them named for Wiccan Deities?
Do you have daddy issues?
Are you at least 4’9” but not taller than 5’5”?
This is important because I’ve never met a crazy tall chick and
I seriously doubt their existence.
Do you demand that your sexual rituals involve candle wax and gargoyles
and can only take place between 3:00 am and 5:00 am during a new moon
on the eve of the solstice?
Do you feel as though it’s your right to have access to all
of my e-mail and voicemail passwords as well as my ATM PIN #’s?
Do you keep spreadsheets and other forms of meticulous detail on the
whereabouts of all of your former lovers, no matter how random or casual
the tryst?
Do you count your days until ovulation because you are going to birth
the next messiah?
Do you want to move in together? It’s ok that you don’t
have a car, or a job, or any education or stable work history. I love
you and I want to be with you all the time. It’s ok that I don’t
make enough money to support us both but maybe I can get 2nd job at
night or on weekends. It will be worth sacrificing my free time and
sleep to know that you are happy spending my money and fucking around
on me.
Do you like cocaine? Perfect.
Do you hate getting up before noon? Awesome.
Do you like to spend hours on end on Myspace and Facebook? Do you
have 3159 friends who are all dudes? I am perfectly ok with this because
I trust you.
Were you abused by a former boyfriend and/or family
member? That’s
ok, I will be your knight in shining armor.
Do you see anti-depressants as ‘recreational drugs”?
I think I am in love.
It’s time for you to write me and tell me how you can be the
perfect woman for me. Don’t tell me about your job or your master’s
degree or that you work with under-privileged children. I don’t
want to know you if your normal.
I just hope to get one response. That would restore my hope and faith
in humanity if just one basket-case would take the time to write me.
Could it be you?
RESPONSES:
Dozens
***I actually felt somewhat bad about this
ad, since it is apparently much less obvious that this is nothing
more than a joke. I actually received more emails than I could
keep up with. Oh well.
I've actually been contacted by some legitimately
cool chicks from
this
ad. At
least
if I've gained
one
thing from
this, it's that if I ever find myself single again, I know how
to write an ad that will attract the right people. Fuck telling
girls that you are a perfect gentleman; tell them you're an insensitive
prick and the best ones will flock to you in masses!!***
_____________________________________________________________________
ok guy in your 20s. you are too funny. great post.
loved it. you should write for a living.
i am not how did you say it? bat shit crazy, and I am so bummed about
that right now since you are so fed up with the normal, kind, employed,
own home, intelligent, sober women, the kind of woman I represent.
don't get carried away, i am far too old for you...but i did want
you to know that we are out here, but you ought to look for a nice
girl in a club like we did when we were 27. craigslist is for fat
girls, for sale girls, and goth chicks.
loved you,
--[Name Removed]
Hi. Thanks... I am glad you liked
my ad. I'm not
actually looking for anyone. I just post ridiculous
stuff for grins. It's good to know there are older
broads out there with a sense of humor.
I do write a lot... I post a lot of stuff (including
my CL ads and the best responses) on my website.
Check it out if you care to:
www.unpaidentertainer.com (unfortunately I do not get
paid for this... hence the 'unpaid' part of the
title).
Nice girl in a club? You're kidding right?
I've met some decent looking girls from my ads on CL
(it should be noted that I don't meet people in
person, so I could very well unknowingly be talking to
a 300 pound, 44 year old pizza delivery guy living in
his mother's basement with unhealthy addictions to
asian bukkake porn and Domino's Cinnamon sticks, which
by the way, are like crack for white people). I will
concur that CL is mostly populated with a high
concentration of Krispy-Kreme junkies and meth huffing
space-cadets surfing the web during their job as the
graveyard shift desk clerk at the Ramada Inn.
Thanks for the email. Add me as a friend on myspace
if you care to.
Later
Mike
_____________________________________________________________________
I don't know if I'm certifiably bat
shit crazy, but just this afternoon I took some bat shit, glued it
to a pair of bright yellow tap pants and went rollerblading through
the park screaming "STOP LOOKING AT ME!" to all those intrusive
assholes who just wouldn't mind their own damned business. Then I
went home and had a dinner of PBR, frozen mango slices, and Ritz
crackers.
I could be telling the truth, but I sort of doubt it. However, this
could be a link to the Craigslist posting I tossed up a few hours
ago:
http://detroit.craigslist.org/w4m/585190406.html
Best of Luck with the Crazies,
Katy
I never got around to responding although
I meant to. Katy sounds like a cool enough chick, so I am leaving
her link on here (unless she asks me to remove it, which I will)
just in case anyone reading this cares to check her out.
_____________________________________________________________________
u sound interesting....pic?
--Liticia [last name removed]
Hi.
Sorry it took me so long to write back. I've received
about 350 responses to my ad and I felt compelled to
answer them each individually. Turns out there's a
LOT of crazy girls out there looking for a Valentine.
So your name is Liticia? This is interesting to me.
By any chance are you black? This is so awesome cause
I have never had a black girl interested in me before.
Being a 6'3" honky firecrotch I don't think they see
me as their type.
Do you by any change have a badonkadonk? This is
doubly awesome. I am excited.
I unfortunately do not have a recent picture to share.
I do have a picture from about 7 years ago but I no
longer have a mullet or giant sideburns so there isn't
much resemblance now. I do, however, still own the
wifebeater and flannel sleeveless shirt that I was
wearing in that picture.
I also like mushrooms.
lol nice, yes i am black and er.. well...umm what are u doing this
week? were gonna have to get togheter and play? i have some free time
now so where u around? u got a number i can call?
After this I sent her a short note
explaining that this is nothing more than a joke, which I predictably
did not receive a response to.
_____________________________________________________________________
Reading your emails reminds me of Chuck Klosterman in a way because
I just feel like I'm having a silly conversation with a stoner. It's
a bunch of randomness and I love it!
I wish I could say this is the desired
effect.
_____________________________________________________________________
10-10-07 Posted in Men Seeking Women:
Hello Ladies,
Do you like quiet evenings sitting outside watching
the sun set? Well you won’t be able to see it with two black
eyes.
Do you enjoy romantic walks on deserted beaches barefoot,
feeling the waves crash against your ankles and feet as we walk for
miles and
miles together and aimlessly? Well you won’t be able to if you’re
in a wheelchair as a result of your punishment for misbehaving.
I am a man in my late 20’s seeking a woman in
her early 20’s
to cook for me, serve me and wait on me hand and foot to fulfill all
of my manly needs. I want a woman who knows her place. A woman’s
place is in the kitchen preparing my dinner while I expertly dominate
my opponents in Madden ’08 on the XBOX 360. I play online, bitches.
My ideal woman will definitely know her way around
the kitchen, but in my eyes she is worthless if she isn’t at
least as useful in the bedroom. Oral and anal sex on at least a weekly
basis are prerequisites
for being my woman.
I also need my women to be able to take a punch. Sometimes
even to the face. A women often needs to be reminded not to do certain
things,
like talk, for instance. Talking is punishable with a severe nose-dive
right down the basement steps (at least that’s what you’ll
tell the doctor, if I decide to let you go to one) on the first offense.
A woman needs to be nurturing to her man. This means a cold bottle
of Pabst Blue Ribbon waiting when I arrive home from a hard day at
the bar.
It’d be a good idea to get a part time job, but you’re
only allowed to work when I am not home. You will need money to buy
me things like beer and Doritos, and for the occasional hospital bill.
Sometimes I like to bang other girls. A man needs a little variety
from time to time. I better not hear any bitching or moaning if I come
home a little late (or not at all) every now and again.
If you’re over the age of 26 and you’re not married yet,
there’s probably a reason for it. You’re probably not good
enough to be married. You’ll end up settling for some divorced
father of two that is eight years older than you just so you can feel
needed and that you belong. If this describes you, don’t bother
writing me. You are not good enough to be my woman.
My target woman is under 25, hot, with big boobies
and a badonkadonk. I prefer no blondes, since they are completely
fucking stupid. All
of them. Each and every one of them are thoroughly brain-dead and useless.
I don’t need you accidentally bearing my offspring in a moment
of weakness. I don’t want to risk the chance that they will come
out 50% retarded having inherited your half of the contaminated gene
pool.
I am hot. Not like hot like a Backstreet Boy but hot
like Dana Carvey from Wayne’s World. Except without the long hair and stupid glasses
and faggy ‘I just swallowed a quart of semen’ voice.
Chicks dig me because I am tough and I know how to
handle a woman. I want a woman who knows that when she deserves it
she needs to be
punished. I don’t need to be nagged when I am watching College
football or WWE RAW or Dr. Phil: Medicine Woman. You need to shut your
hole and know your role.
When my buddies come over for Monday Night Football,
it is imperative that you leave the house during this time. I don’t
steal cable TV from Comcast to have you coming around asking my friends,
the MEN
that came to MY HOUSE to visit ME if they’d like some popcorn
during the game. NO, THEY DO NOT WANT YOUR FUCKING POPCORN, BITCH!!!
Now get the fuck outside and scrape the dogpoop off of the back deck
so none of my friends step in it when they go out to smoke at
halftime. God damn woman, don’t you have any dignity?
If you think you have what it takes to be a receptacle for my sinister
delight, write me and tell me in 50 words or less why you are woman
enough for me.
If you are a prude, I’d also like to hear from you. It makes
me feel good about myself to know that I have ruined a prude’s
day.
Have a fantastic day.
RESPONSES:
A few
LOVED THE AD
Granted, I don't fit the description of what you are looking for.
But it brightened my day.
--[Name Removed]
The ad doesn't specify this, but I
actually prefer someone with high self-esteem as well.
_____________________________________________________________________
I hate the sunset.
I hate it when sand gets in between my toes on the beach, and I can
use a wheel chair pretty well.
I am in my early 20's, and I can cook just about anything.
I enjoy sex.
I don't speak unless spoken to.
Pabst sucks.
I already have a job, and Dorito's are bad for you.
Fuck whomever you want.
I am not married.
I have a nice ass (so I am told frequently) and a hot rack. You already
know I am a Brunette.
--[Name Removed]
I think I'm in love.
_____________________________________________________________________
Posted 9-17-07 in Strickly Platonic Men Seeking Multiple
Women
TITLE: HUNGRY MAN
Hi
I am hungry. I am looking for someone to take me out to dinner and
feed me. Not just invite me along to sit there while you eat in front
of me while I drool all over myself, I mean actually letting me eat
too. I like salads, especially restaurants that let you get extra croutons
on them with bleu cheeze dressing. That is my favorite.
I like Logans cause they give you free refills on your soda, but they
put onions on their salad and onions make my eyes water and my farts
smell like kerosene so I try not to eat onions.
I chose "group of women" cause I have a
big appetite and I didn't think it'd be fair for one girl to have
to pay the whole bill.
If there are multiple women involved, you can share the costs.
I also like mushrooms.
