unpaidentertainer.com

Brain Drain

One of my old writing techniques was to simply sit at a keyboard and type. I Just typed whatever came into my head for a set period of time. I called it a Brain Drain. This method was fantastic for curing writer’s block and is really helpful for coming up with stuff to write about. I usually didn’t save them, I just picked them clean until the good stuff was all used up. Anyhow, I found one that I did save from three and a half year years ago. It probably should be noted that I was not on drugs when I wrote this.

There are really only three rules:

1) You must not stop typing.

2) You must go until the end – I always did 30 minutes. You can go longer if needed.

3) No use of the backspace key, arrow keys or the mouse. The point is to spill your guts out raw. You can’t do that effectively if you’re worrying about spelling and grammar. You’re not writing with the intent of publishing.

Sarah Palin: A Satirist’s Dream

I am only writing this for the attention.

You see, I’ve developed a little bit of an obsession with watching my Alexa rank grow on both of my sites. It’s cool to see genuine progress and to know that readership is growing – which is solely the result of creating good content. As of this writing, the Alexa rank for this site sits at 683,074 and number 88,000 in the United States, and TheSportsDick.com just cracked the top 1 million. Not that this in and of itself is overly impressive – it isn’t. But, it’s a lot better than the rank of 2.5 million I had just a couple of months ago. Plus, as bloggers go, it’s sort of how we keep score. So, in an effort to further boost my score and ego I’ve decided to try to piss off Sarah Palin.

Leave Kelly Alone!!!!!!

Enough already.

First, I’d like to congratulate all of these writers who hide behind their blogs and their message boards who have nothing better to do than self-righteously point out the faults of the celebrities they’ve helped to build up. I applaud your shrewdness and your extensive observational skills that allow you to provide expert commentary and criticism on such important issues as Lindsay Lohan’s craziness, or Kelly Clarkson weight issues, or Paris Hilton doing everything that she does on a daily basis – ok maybe the last one is alright since we sort of need that. But other than covering the everyday moves of the soulless and talentless androids that inhabit Hollywood and reporting on them relentlessly, what is so alluring about the lives of people whose occupations makes them famous? Why is this even an industry?

Optimus Prime Anyone?

I think this guy has seen the Transformers movie a few times too many:

Carlos Owens had handled all kinds of machines as an army mechanic, but he always dreamed of using those skills for one project: his own “mecha,” a giant metal robot that could mirror the movements of its human pilot.

Owens, 31, began building an 18-foot-tall, one-ton prototype at his home in Wasilla, Alaska, in 2004. Working without blueprints, he first built a full-scale model out of wood. Moving on to steel, he had to devise a hydraulics system that would provide precisely the right leverage and range of movement. He settled on a complex network of cables and hydraulic cylinders that can make the mecha raise its arms, bend its knees, and even do a sit-up.

Internet (noun); Definition – Pervert Magnet

In perusing the “Gigs” section of my local Craigslist I ran across this:

bisexual live in nanny wanted

free rent in return for someone that can watch our child 3-4 days a week. (9-5) want someone we can be great friends with and great benefits and if we mesh maybe something more substantial and something with more long term plans but we will cross that bridge when we get there, send pics to get pics.

Classic Post: Pranking the Prankster

As we were walking back toward the dorm past the belltower, we were feeling much better after a breath of fresh air. I noticed a stiff crow lying on the ground. I kicked it at MKW, who squirmed like a little girl. I laughed and we went inside to watch The Simpsons.

A half hour later I was thinking about the dead crow and all the things we could do with it.

I was amazed at MKW’s drunken ingenuity, but after thinking about it, I decided no matter how good of friends Barry and I were, he’d surely murder our asses if we did that to him. Barry doesn’t like to be the butt of jokes.

Awesome Prank on a Telemarketer

Check this out – his performance is legendary!!

A Paradigm Shift in Pop Culture?

Why is this Susan Boyle person all over my internet?

When I say ‘my internet’, what I mean is that I am in the United States. Not Great Britain. The show on which she is a contestant is called “Britain’s Got Talent”. We already have “America’s Got Talent”, and it’s a pretty good show. Do they have the finalists from AGT On British television and all over England’s internet? Somehow I doubt it.

And it isn’t just the internet. I saw a spot about her on a promo for Access Hollywood or something like that. Enough is enough. She’s just a contestant on a TV show in a country on another continent. Why is she getting all of this coverage around here?

A Failed Attempt at Manliness

I am up there with your average accountant when it comes to the ability to solve problems mechanically. I’ve always had the resource of skilled technicians who were usually willing to work for beer, so it’s been rare for me to ever have to get my hands dirty myself and I tend to avoid doing so at all costs.

The motor fired up as expected. Satisfied, I began to mow. Then five seconds later, it goes cough, cough, bog down like it’s in really heavy wet grass, cough some more, stall.

‘A few bolts here, a few more there… this doesn’t look too difficult’, I thought to myself. I momentarily thought about taking it the lawn mower repair shop that is located about 1/2 mile from the house. No, I can handle this.

Classic Post: Craigslist Ad – Seeking a Crazy Chick

Hi. I am a guy in my 20’s looking for a girl who is certifiably bat-shit crazy. I know you’re out there!!!

I am just sick and tired of meeting all of these normal, regular girls with their own jobs and places to live and their own money and their own cars. There are just simply way too many levelheaded, smart, articulate women out there today and I am bored with their stability. I want a stalker dammit!!!